The Luv Doc: A Thousand Suns

Luv Doc,
It is the time for a “Dear Abby” type column. People need to know that someone will listen to and answer their needs. Last night I watched a show called Mom in which a young man smoked a bong for an extended length of time. He also stated that he was smoking “weed.” For years, cigarette smoking has not been allowed on TV. How is it acceptable to smoke a bong?!
- Lady Liberty

I am not a big stoner, but I do know this: The only acceptable way to smoke a bong is to make the bowl glow like a thousand suns – so brightly that you need welding goggles to avoid retinal damage. Therefore, assuming that the producers of Mom were going for veracity, it only makes sense that the young man would have taken a really long hit. You can’t truly blaze one up with tiny emphysema puffs or a Bill Clinton-style faux inhale. No, you have to suck it in like you’re about to blow up a beach ball with your exhale … in one breath.

As a fake doctor, I am going to recommend you don’t try that at home. Pot these days is wicked strong. Take a monster hit and more than likely you are going to be higher than a bat's ass. I myself can only tolerate one or two puffs before I start drooling out of the side of my mouth, singing Beatles songs, and trying to make s'mores with my daughter’s Easy-Bake oven. I know. Sounds like a fun time, doesn’t it? I can assure you that there are certain people who freak out when they see a drooling, chocolate-covered middle aged man laying on their front lawn singing, “I am the Walrus, coo coo cachoo.” It’s not exactly a ventriloquist doll with a butcher knife, but it’s still pretty scary at 3 o’clock in the afternoon.

Also, they may not tell you this on Mom, but bongs are pretty passe – or if anything they’re retro cool like vinyl records or typewriters. Vaporizers are all the rage these days. You get all the benefits of smoking weed without the smoke. Plus, you can get really baked without smelling like you just tumbled out of Spicoli’s van.

Now, as for the no cigarettes-on-TV thing, that’s a good idea. Nicotine is a really shitty drug that barely gets you high at all – not to mention that dying by a smoking-related illness is a really long, drawn out, and horrifying process I wouldn’t wish on anyone. If you’re going to risk that ugly of an end, you should at least get a decent payoff. I say ditch the cigarettes and get a vaporizer. Oh, and YOU’RE WELCOME.