The Luv Doc: I Am a Sexaholic

Dear Luv Doc,
I lost my virginity last Thanksgiving. Since then, I wanted to do it more, but my girlfriend does not. She doesn't know that I was a virgin, and now she wants to leave me because she thinks I am a sexaholic, but I think she is just uptight – no pun intended.
- Wuzza Virgin

First of all, Wuzza, the above is not a question, so I refuse to give you an answer. What follows will be several hundred words of highly uninformed and recklessly speculative commentary. Before I get started, however, I am going to take a couple of slugs of the tequila I keep stored in my bottom desk drawer and celebrate your deflowerment. Skoal, motherfucker! See? I called you a motherfucker. I have no facts to back that up. Thus begins the reckless speculation.

Even if your girlfriend isn’t currently with child – or for that matter, even if she isn’t a 47-year-old chain smoking mother of six who drives a Dodge Caravan with no hubcaps and a rainbow unicorn window decal – chances are she doesn’t want to leave you because you’re a sexaholic or because she’s uptight, more likely she wants to leave you because you’re an asshole.

Let me ask you this, Wuz: Has she ever said to you, “Wuzza, I am sick and tired of you enthusiastically and skillfully performing oral sex on me for hours on end until I am a quivering, drooling blob of pure ecstasy”? I think we both know the answer to that question, don’t we Wuzza?

No, chances are you popped your cherry by squirting off a few rounds of baby batter into her honey hole (amazingly, the preceding is somehow more disgusting than much more vulgar terms) then rolled over and started sawing logs. Who wouldn’t want to tee up her vajajay for that kind of action every few hours?

While it probably seems like your enthusiasm alone should close the deal, you’re not selling Veg-O-Matics, and if you’re honest with yourself, you’re probably not even bringing Veg-O-Matic utility to the table. That might even be the very reason she’s uptight. Therefore, my completely unsolicited advice to you is to make your girlfriend a sexaholic by making sex for her the new, exciting, and wondrous thing it seems to be for you.