The Luv Doc: The Perils of Cougaring

Luvdoc,
My boss’s wife is always hitting on me. At first I thought it was funny and I just laughed it off, but she hasn’t taken the message. I know there are guys who are probably into “cougars,” but I’m not one of them and definitely not for this one. What should I do?
- Cat Bait

Bait, I think I might have encountered your situation on a website once, but none of the videos would play unless I gave them my credit card number. Greedy bastards. The joke was on them anyway. Those tiny Photoshop animations can really be quite satisfying. I know your situation probably seems quite different. Not all cougars – and certainly not all bosses’ wives – are rocking double D silicone breasts and completely hairless, taut, baby-oiled bodies. In fact, I am beginning to suspect some of those websites are pulling our legs – or at least conning us into pulling our own. Most real-life cougars choose to use their baby oil on the photographer’s lens. At least you can take some solace in the fact that, even outside the internet, your situation isn’t all that unusual. There are a lot of male bosses and, correspondingly, a lot of bosses' wives. Statistically at least, some of them are bound to be trying to get their freak on with the young employees. In fact, the streets are probably lined with homeless men (and women) who took an ill-advised roll in the hay with the boss’s old lady. Question is, how do you avoid becoming one of them? That’s a tough one. You probably have an irresistible animal magnetism that your boss’s wife can’t resist … or maybe you remind her of her husband when he was a young up-and-comer. He might be neither these days. Regardless, what your boss’s wife is doing to you is sexual harassment, even though she might think it’s more fun to call it cougaring. I’m a fake doctor, not a lawyer, but I’m fairly sure that if she owns or works for the same company as you, she is actually engaging in illegal behavior. Don’t get out your handcuffs just yet though, it’s not as cut-and-dry as it might seem. Depending on the size of your company, you might not have any way to address this issue short of hiring a lawyer. That’s a sticky wicket. Then there’s the issue of whether you feel her advances are threatening, or merely annoying. If they’re just verbal and she hasn’t made any physical advances, maybe your job is worth sucking it up, doing a little verbal sparring, and maybe laughing it off. If, on the other hand … or with both … she is grabbing your Johnson and making growling noises in front of everybody, you might start by sending her a letter or an email specifically asking her (politely) to stop. If that doesn’t work, then by all means go to HR or lawyer up. Just remember: She thinks she’s being sexy. You just need to make her understand that, to you at least, she isn’t. By doing so in writing, at least she won’t see your boner.