The Luv Doc: The Friend of Your Friend's Enemy

LuvDoc,
One of my oldest friends (from grade school) recently broke up with his girlfriend. She and I have become really good friends in the last few years and she keeps calling me to hang out/go shopping, etc. I would like to hang out with her too, but I don’t want to take sides. Any suggestions?
- Marie

Marie, that is some seriously twisted shit. It sounds like their split was not amicable, and if I’m not mistaken, you’re insinuating that this girl is trying to drive a wedge between you and one of your oldest friends just to get back at him. What a bitch! There’s really no solution here other than to tell her you’re onto her nefarious scheme. She will probably deny it, but just consider that further evidence of her underhandedness. Back in Puritan times this woman would probably be accused of being a witch – sort of an old timey version of “bitch”…back before such things were bedazzled on the back of pink terrycloth short shorts. Witches, like bitches in bedazzled short shorts, were easy to identify. All you had to do with a witch was bind her hands and feet and throw her in some water. If she drowned, she was innocent. If she floated, she was stoned to death or burned at the stake. Not much incentive to hold her breath, eh? The thing with accusing someone of being a witch was that you really couldn’t go wrong. Either you were sending her to eternal heavenly bliss or condemning her to eternal damnation and hell fire, either of which she clearly deserved. These days it’s a bit more difficult to get a woman stoned to death based on a mere accusation (well, unless you’re a woman in Pakistan). Since the Middle Ages, justice systems in the Western world have been leaning more and more towards physical evidence, scientific method, and causality rather than public consensus or individual caprice. By and large, most people consider this to be good thing, but it doesn’t help your situation. It’s not easy to prove someone has malicious intent when there is a complete absence of empirical evidence. Sometimes you just have to go with your gut. Besides, how could the enemy of your friend not be your enemy too? Or conversely, if you’re the friend of your friend’s enemy, doesn’t that make you the enemy of your friend? You certainly don’t want to be that. Then again, sometimes guts are dead wrong, so maybe you should talk to your old friend and explain that their situation doesn’t have anything to do with you, nor should it. Surely, being one of your oldest friends, he will understand.