About AIDS

"I've known for two years that I have HIV. The treatment is working well, and I look and feel completely healthy. I'm fit, decent looking, have a good job, and stay active. But I haven't had a date since I found out, and I need to be with someone. How do I meet somebody and not scare them away?"

That e-mail last Friday reflects one of poz people's biggest conundrums: I want a date!

Short term, we can't undo the atmosphere of secrecy and pain that uninformed or narrow-minded or fearful HIV-negative people create. But, some techniques may help the poz person work around them.

My HIVer buddy Roger, 11 years openly positive, reminds himself of three things every day, as diligently as taking his meds:

1) HIV is part of me, but it does not define me!

2) I have lots to offer, and there are many people who will enjoy being with me!

3) The only way someone can answer "yes" is if I am willing to stick my neck out and ask.

He swears it works. Roger's dating success suggests he's right.

How and when a person discloses can make a lot of difference. Morally and legally, it's necessary to disclose before having sex, but nothing says HIV status has to be the first topic with new acquaintances. Let them get to know the real, interesting you before bringing it up. If he/she likes you, they might think twice before bailing just because you're HIV positive.

Practice! Try role-playing with a friend. You try out different ways of bringing up the topic, and your chum can respond in a variety of ways. The more comfortable you are literally saying the words, the smoother things are likely to go. As gay men learn from coming out, often the fear of disclosure is worse than the disclosure itself. The more you do it, the easier it gets.

Meanwhile, don't forget that rejection happens to everyone, sometimes for reasons different than those we assume. Yes, it hurts and always will, to some degree. However, even when the response is not what you want, learning to react gracefully may gain respect and valuable friends, if not bed-mates.

Meet other HIVers for whom your status probably will not be an issue. And that will be next week's topic.