After a Fashion

Simulated "celebrity gift"

GIFTS UNGIVEN The question, "Which celebrity would you choose to give a Christmas gift to, and what would it be?" elicited a variety of responses from Austin Chronicle staffers -- perhaps more indicative of a particular state of mind, rather than the state of the world. The responses could be grouped into two general categories: Entertainment and Politics (or is that one category?), with Winona Ryder winning the most number of bequests, and Calista Flockhart coming in second.

Winona received two $4,780 gift certificates to Saks Fifth Avenue, a T-shirt designed by local artist Molly Gove, emblazoned with the word Shoplifter (given with love), and a gift certificate to a VD clinic (anyone who sleeps with that many musicians needs one) ... and maybe a steak. "Isn't the waif look over?"

Calista Flockhart received an all-you-can-eat gift certificate to Krispy Kreme, a diamond encrusted bedpan ("If you're gonna barf, barf in style ..."), and a day of beauty at a good hairdresser ("Omigod, her hair is hideous.")

And in no particular order ...

Steven Seagal A pair of scissors, so he can cut off that horrid ponytail that has never been cool. I would make sure it was an anonymous gift because I wouldn't want him to break my arm in eight places.

Backstreet Boys A huge burlap sack that can fit five comfortably ... so I can wrap them up and throw them in a river.

David Arquette A muzzle or a mime costume ... whichever would shut that annoying bastard up.

Steven Tyler & Aerosmith A gift certificate to the Gap. This way they could buy the clothes as opposed to doing commercials for them.

Jean-Claude Van Damme An ass kicking. Why won't he just go away? Would someone please tell him that pleated khakis, a tight and tucked in tank top, and a leather jacket are not fashionable?

George Foreman A Lean, Mean, GET YOUR ASS OFF EVERY INFO-MERCIAL Grilling Machine.

Gene Hackman His dignity after making that awful football movie with Keanu Reeves.

Matthew McConaughey A comb.

Madonna Some fat content, not a lot, just a few avocados ... her face looks bitchy, and I think it's because she is bitchy but also because she's hungry.

Homer Simpson A six-pack -- D'OH! -- a 12-pack of Duff beer.

Johnny Depp Me (no explanation necessary).

Tammy Faye Bakker A makeover. Has someone not told this woman what's up?

Michael Jackson Melanin injections? Tanning salon gift certificate? Flesh to cover his skull-like face? A mask of the way he used to look, so as not to scare the children ... because he is scary.

Morrissey A cheeseburger and a gigolo. 'Nuff said.

Drew Barrymore A man with two balls.

Destiny's Child A new designer ... good god, isn't it time to stop letting mommy dress you girls? It's worse than my family holiday photos when my mom dressed us all in matching dresses!

Gwyneth Paltrow An assortment of turtleneck sweaters to be worn at all public appearances because that neck of hers just scares the hell out of me.

Lucinda Williams A thong to wear with those tight-ass pants of hers even though the boys like VPL (Visible Panty Line).

Jim Lauderdale Another kiss. But I bet that doesn't count.

Debbie Rombach at the Hole in the Wall $1 million, to keep Austin Austin.

ON THE POLITICS FRONT

President George W. Bush A dictionary.

Al Gore The Oval Office and a Wahl beard trimmer.

Osama bin Laden A dove, for it is a symbol of love. I feel that lack of love is what has caused him to become a psychopath and murderer.

CNN A book that explains "How to Not Report on Speculations."

If I were the Wizard of Oz I'd give Bush, a brain; Cheney, a heart; Powell, courage; and Ashcroft, a pair of ruby red slippers and an irrecoverable coma in Oregon. Needless to say, I would feel patriotic.

FLYING FUR Actress Dominique Swain is the current postergirl baring it all for PETA. And then it was announced that the next one to declare "I'd rather go naked than wear fur," would be Britney Spears. Charismatic and obnoxious PETA mouthpiece Dan Matthews was ecstatic, claiming to have converted Miss Spears after she appeared at the MTV Music Awards with a caged tiger on stage. Britney's publicist then announced that no way would Britney be stripping down, and that they were severing their relationship with PETA, feeling that PETA misrepresented itself and traded on Miss Spears' reputation. Um, hello? Isn't that the point of a spokesmodel? Former postergirl Naomi Campbell (who was fired from the PETA campaign for wearing fur on the runway) has repeatedly relapsed into her fur-wearing ways and was recently denied entrance to the chic NYC club Spa because of her fur coat. After arguing with the doorman (who was wearing leather) about the club's no-fur policy, Campbell relented and abandoned her coat outside. She then sat down with fellow fur-wearer (and fur designer) Sean "P. Diddy-- Combs. Said the aforementioned Matthews of Campbell's latest infraction, "I think anybody who knows Naomi knows she is a problem and is often incoherent. We're just glad we've got so many other people that have hearts and have souls, really."